New Stuff You Can't Get Anywhere Near Here!

This week, The Laboratory is verily pleased to announce we are now a dealer for Meinl Cymbals.

Meinl Cymbals are Here!

The landroving hypersquid hates Meinl cymbals. Now, the hypersquid is a wily beast, capable of staggering stretches of stealthy hibernation. While no hypersquid sightings have been documented in Deptford over the last few decades, this is no reason to abandon vigilance. Hypersquid migrations leave all in their path festooned with slimy saline secretions. And we at the Laboratory have a keen interest in choosing the manner in which we are festooned, so as to maintain an environment which is conducive to a rewarding experience for you, our dear customer. This means no slimy saline secretions, thank you very much Mr. or Mrs. Hypersquid.
Now, the exact reason for the hypersquid's aversion to Meinl cymbals has eluded the best minds in science for generations. As far back as Bacon* it was commented upon with amazement. Perhaps it is the Byzance series's shimmering warmth and unique colors, or maybe the MB10's enhanced cutting edge from their unmatched 90% copper/10% tin composition. Some have postulated that the wide model range and professional sounds of the Classics line, combined with their easily affordable pricing, represent a level of quality cymbal proliferation which the hypersquid finds unacceptable. Frankly, we'll leave the explanations to the denizens of academia. We are mostly concerned with what works, which is why we have stocked up robustly with Meinl cymbals.

When you next enter our store in beautiful Deptford, New Jersey, you will be greeted with a visage the likes of which are without parallel for miles and miles around. A towering wall of bronze cymbals, crafted with precision and passion by the sharp minded artists at Meinl in Germany, awaits your wonderment. Our newly transformed drum room is now aglow with shimmering metal percussion. And let's face facts: the real color of a modern drumkit has a great deal to do with the cymbal setup. Up until today, you would have to travel to Trenton or Reading, PA to hear Meinl cymbals. Once again, we're saving South Jersey and Philly musicians gas money. Come in and find out what Lamb of God's Chris Adler, Shadows Fall's Jason Bittner, and clinician/general chops-maestro Thomas Lang already know. Meinl cymbals represent excellent craftsmanship, embracing both a modern player's vision of sound possibilities, and a traditionalist's desire for warm, classic sounds.

* The breakfast food.

You wanted the Best of South Jersey, you got the Best of South Jersey!!

Thanks to all of you who gave us the nod for the Courier-Post's Best Of South Jeresy. We are proud to announce that we won the category of Best Musical Instrument Store. Watch for the Courier-Post's announcement Sunday May 3rd. You all have our heartfelt thanks. We couldn't do it without you.

The Laboratory Staff In The News

Tune in Tuesday, April 28th, after American Idol, to see Laboratory Guitar Instructor Dan Lerro perform with his band "V" on Fox Philadelphia. They will be featured live as part of Fox Philadelphia's Spotlight Artist series. Set your electronic television watching apparatus.

ROCKTOPUS!

The Ministry of Weekly Specials

Laboratory Music, LLC, Merges with Plankton Pete's Fish & Chips

Many of our customers have approached us to say, "I really love the great selection of top name instruments and accessories, but what if I want to sit down with a styrofoam plate of breaded frozen fish and fried potatoes?" That's a direct quite from no fewer than one of our customers. Additionally, our staff have been asking about the possibility of wearing paper hats while working. And we've heard you!

As you know, The Laboratory has been providing South Jersey and the metro Philly area with the best selection of quality musical instruments, recording equipment, PA systems, repairs, and music instruction. And Plankton Pete's Fish And Chips has been offering the residents of Nebraska the freshest in freeze dried processed fish food substances and reconstituted fried potato byproducts. Together we're pleased to announce that we've merged to form The Fish and Chips Music Laboratory. Now, not only can you save on great brands like Schecter, Marshall, Yamaha, Zildjian, and Spector, you can also feast on great flavors like tilapia, cod, and mackerel. Getting a bit peckish trying out Visual Sound's latest boutique guitar effects? Sit down to a plate of fried flounder flippers! Looking for something to do while you await your piping hot shark fries? Ask your hostess for a pager, and browse our inventory of drums while your reprocessed food is boiling in vegetable oil.

Stop in and mention this email for a free sampler of our catch of the day: The Blackheart Killer Ant 1w tube half stack. It'll hook you with it's fluid tone, and the low price is no bait and switch!

New Boss Pedals In Stock

We've just received a large quantity of Boss effects pedals. Included are all the most popular stompboxes, plus the newest multi-effects floor processors: the GT-10 and ME-70. Get 'em while they're hot!

ROCK! The Ministry of Weekly Specials

Beware the Amps Of March

Springtime is here! And, as you know, springtime is full of sunshine and lollipops. And by sunshine and lollipops, I mean music instruments and accessories.

Lotsa New Amps

A is for guitar amps. We have so many that the Cabal Of Insertion Of Made Up Terms is hard at work on creating a new word to encompass the very concept of just how many cool tones our customers are going to be able to dial in with all this amplification horsepower. (My suggestion was f'tmch, but that one's already taken.) We have plenty of exciting Vox models in, from the humble yet versatile little DA5 to the mighty AC30. We also have the re-imagined Marshall MG series. Marshall has closed more of the ground between solid state and tube tone with these latest MGs, which feature newly improved cabinets in addition to the enhanced electronics. And from Roland, we have the MicroCube, which is another awesome portable guitar amp with amp modeling and effects. And - get this - the micro cube has an electronic tuning fork, which goes "Binnnnng!" Say that last part out loud; you'll enjoy it more. Now if I had invented the electronic tuning fork, I would have called it the Electrofork, or the Ener-Zap-O-Matic, or simply the "Machine that goes Binnnnng." But, as the patent office is constantly reminding me in court, I am not an inventor.

And just what, you may well ask, are you supposed to plug into these many amps? Well, I for one would suggest perhaps one of the

  

New Schecter Guitars

Many of our customers lately have commented on a conspicuous bare area on the guitar wall. We would usually respond alternately that we were awaiting a new guitar shipment, or that we had to jettison some ballast before jumping to warp speed in hot pursuit of excellent value. One staffer even opined that the guitars had started brawling over which customer to go home with, and needed to be separated. Well, now is the moment of full disclosure. We had to make some room for a bunch of Schecter guitars. In the music industry, bunch is the term for designating lots or many. So now is a serendipitous time to stop in and sample some savings on scorching Schecter six strings supplemented by sonorous speakers. Slurpee saddle stonehenge scallions.

Tuner Melt

We at The Laboratory have for long been fans of tuners. Both audibly going "Binnnnng!" and silently measuring string tension, we have no preference. We just stock options and let You The People decide. Well, we're probably on to something, since demand has steadily risen for many models of electronic tuners. So, upon your next tuner quest, we invite you to check out our newly renovated Tuner Display. Wayne was hard at work all day yesterday putting the thing together and appointing it with the many varieties of tuner offerings. As Wayne likes to say, "much in the way that Tuna is the Chicken of the Sea, Tuners are the Pickin' of the C, D, E, F, G, A, and B, sharps and flats notwithstanding." Kinda has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? Or more like a nice "Binnnnng!"

So in closing, come check out the Schecter guitars for great justice, make sure you tune up, and Beware the Amps of March. Et tu, guitarists. Et tu.

Et Tut.

E.T. phone Tut.

 

The Ministry of Weekly Specials 

Tax Holiday- Get More Gear for Your Money

Happy St. Patricks Day! With all of the talk of tax hikes going on, we thought it would be a good time to stick it to the man and offer a tax break instead.

The Laboratory Declares Tax Holiday

For a limited time, you can shop tax-free at The Laboratory. Come to the shop between Wednesday, March 18th and Tuesday, March 24th and for whatever you purchase, The Ministry of Weekly Specials themselves will pay your sales tax! Whether you're getting ready to cut a big check to the tax man, or to cash a big check from the tax man, you can take some comfort in knowing that your music dollars will stretch a little farther. How do we do this, you ask? Calculators! That's how.

The O'Laboratory

Today is the day people all around the world celebrate St. Patrick. While some aspects of the accuracy of historic accounts are debated, it is known that prior to driving the snakes out of Ireland, St. Patrick contemplated opening a music store. His fear that the store would be invaded by serpents may have been viewed as fanciful by some, but it is exactly this type of low probability/high impact event for which a modicum of vigilance is warranted. In the spirit of St. Patrick, The Laboratory staff, management, shareholders, and de facto animal handling cadre are similarly driving snakes from the land. This week only, save an additional 10% on any audio snake in stock. We have many in stock, with many varieties of connectors. They're snakelicious and connecttastic.

Rockademy Live Back At It

Rockademy Live, still dizzy with the tremendous success of their debut live performances, are back in session and rehearsing for more public showcasing of rock mastery. There are still a few openings, so call The Laboratory to sign up and be part of the excitement. Rockademy Live is the Rock School at The Laboratory. For more information, call The Laboratory, or go to this web site: www.therockademy.com. 

 

The Laboratory In Space (Cymbalicly)

Now is the time in this email when we turn to the stars. This Friday, the Earth will be situated so that day and night are equal in length. In celebration of the precise halving of hours into light and dark, this weekend we're offering the precision craftsmanship of in stock Paiste cymbals for half off MSRP!

We hereby ensure you, our laudable customers, that your shopping experience at The Laboratory will be as free of attacking reptiles as can be. At this point I need to point out that the faction of staffers chanting for me to include a joke about scales is in no way conducive to the output of quality marketing copy. Anyway... so committed are we to our pledge of snakelessness that we have eliminated snake food from our annual budget entirely. We figure, if there is nothing to entice the snakes, they will probably continue to leave us alone. We call this our No Snacks For Snakes campaign. I'm sure St. Patrick would approve. Please note that customers who shop from the convenience of home via our website may have to take precautions of their own.

 

The Ministry of Weekly Specials

Invitation to the 1st Rockademy Live Show

This Saturday and Sunday, the staff of The Laboratory will enjoy the distinct privilege of presenting the first performance of Rockademy Live. The event will feature students of The Laboratory's music instruction program, performing live at The Cherrywood Lounge in Clementon, NJ. The ensemble will be performing classic rock and some newer material, with full production sound and lights.

Rockademy Live is the ensemble performance branch (rock school) of The Rockademy, The Laboratory's in-store music instruction program. Headed by veteran rocker Greg Helm, the group will perform two concerts this weekend, both Saturday and Sunday evening.

What is Rockademy Live?

What is a Rockademy? In selecting a name for the music instruction branch of The Laboratory, the League Of Crafty Marketing Officials endeavored to come up with a name that implied the serious nature of music study, but which also reflected the whimsical aspect of playing music. They scheduled a weekend retreat to a tiny atoll off the coast of New Hampshire, and mused about numerous concepts which more or less supported the mission, and which also tied in with the League's conviction that the logo be a dragon crushing a bowl of fruit beneath it's forepaw, a flaming sword held aloft in the other.

Being unable to craft a name which in any way supported the dragon logo, The League Of Crafty Marketing Officials opted instead for Rockademy. The consensus was that the word combined the term Rock with part of the term Academy. Upon their return to The Laboratory's Deptford Headquarters, or more specifically upon the auditing of their expense accounts, The League Of Crafty Marketing Officials were promptly sacked and replaced by a room filled with chimpanzees and typewriters. This left The Laboratory's executive board tasked with choosing between the chimps' suggestions, and that of their human predecessors. Rockademy ultimately won by a significant margin over the chimps' pick qwsrtychg difdj;dfg;fg/hl.

Let's see where was I.... hmmm.... the boss better be watching this time. There's no light back here, and I think this computer is supposed to be less full of chimpanzee hair.... Oh. Yes. This weekend:

What are the details?

Saturday's performance will be from 5pm until 7pm. Sunday's will be from 4pm until 6pm. The Cherrywood Lounge is located at 1460 Blackwood Clementon Rd, Clementon, NJ 08021.

This will the first live outing for the program and its talented young participants. We're sure it will be a fine couple nights of rocking. Please come join us to see these next generation rockers take the stage. Admission is $10. Tickets are available for purchase at The Laboratory, at the door, and from the Rockademy students.

The Cherrywood's kitchen and bar will be open.

Thanks for reading!

The Ministry of Weekly Specials 

Two Stories About Clearance Items and More

Being our first message of the new year, we have an amazing amount of news to share with you. We picked the most pressing topics for this installment and are saving the rest for later.

Clearance Items!

"OK, old inventory. This is it! This is the end of the road!

Look, it's not you, it's me. I mean, we've been though a lot together. Arriving on the delivery truck, entering into the inventory listing, getting tagged with a price, hanging out with a customer or two. But enough is enough! We've dropped enough hints. The odd sale here, the coupon there, I mean, the writing's been on the wall. It's time for you to go.

It's nothing personal, it's just that, well, there's somebody else. Lots of somebody elses, in fact."

And so goes our Dear John letter to select items in stock at The Laboratory. Except, instead of Dear, it's Old. And, instead of John, it's Inventory.

We've earmarked dozens of items for absolute, rock-bottom pricing. In many cases below our dealer cost. We thought they were really cool, but for whatever reason these items have been passed over. So we're removing all obstacles to price and pricing them to move!

Stop in our shop and witness the many colorful clearance signs hanging about the place. They're like little sheriffs, running out of town those items who have been holding down our floors for quite long enough, thank you very much.

Below, there is another version of this story. It's the truth about the clearance signs that have overrun our store, but we don't think anyone will believe us.

Best of South Jersey

It's that time of year where the readers of the Courier-Post get to vote for their favorite businesses in our area. And this year, we're in the running for Best Musical Instrument Store. We're asking everyone to put a vote or two in for The Laboratory since we're trying to be the best. Ballots are in the Courier-Post's South Jersey section on Friday, February 6th. Also, we have a ton of them at the store, as well as complimentary copies of the paper.

Let's let everyone else know what a great place The Lab is!

The True Clearance Tag Story

One day last month we opened the door to a delightful surprise! Or so we thought... It was a cold January morning, and there at our doorstep somebody had left a basket. In the basket, under some downy blankets, was an adorable litter of colored 6x4 cards! They looked so helpless, huddled together in their little basket. Our hearts melted, and so we took them in and gave them some Sharpie markers, which they are known to feed on. When mom came home, we begged her to let us keep them, and she too had to admit that the little 6x4 cards were too sweet to send back into the cold.

The next day, upon our arrival at the store, we checked on the cards, and sure enough they had gobbled up all of their Sharpies. We plopped another handful of colorful markers into the food bowl the little 6x4 cards shared, and set about opening the door for business. Imagine our surprise when we found at the front door with another basket of adorable little 6x4 cards! There were bright green ones, yellow, orange, red, a cheery spectrum of vivid colors. We called mom over, and with a sigh she said, "we're gonna need more markers!" The next day we found at the door still another basket of the shivering, helpless little 6x4 cards, their dewy eyes pleading for us to take them in. This was getting weird.

Such was our amazement at the newest litter of little 6x4 cards, that we hardly noticed the two previous litters behavior - at first. Having ravenously consumed their Sharpie marker suppers the night before, they were now stronger and bolder! With horror, we looked around and realized that all the little 6x4 cards were clinging to products in our store. Gone were their inquisitive expressions, and now they were etched upon with prices so low that our very senses of business strategy trembled. Beneath our feet, the new batch of little 6x4 cards was already scrambling from their basket, greedily raiding our desks for Sharpies, and scrawling massively discounted prices onto their faces before scuttling over to our fine instruments and accessories and attaching themselves.

A customer of our's cousin's sister's former roommate, who is a little 6x4 card exterminator by trade, informed us that the little cards and the products they attached themselves to could not be separated inside a music store. In a little known property of residual strong force of product placement and little 6x4 card symbiosis within retail music stores, the only way to separate the little 6x4 cards, once they have chosen a host instrument or accessory, is to sell that product for the reduced price. Only then is the life cycle of the little 6x4 card complete, and they can be safely laid to rest in any standard waste can.

Dear customer, you have done so much for us already, it is with the utmost humility and graciousness that we beseech you to help us. Please come to The Laboratory, and fret not the seemingly impossible discounts displayed upon the cards. These products must be freed from these cards, and only through your enjoyment of rock bottom close-out pricing can they be rescued. For us, it is too late. These products must go.

And we now know that, just because they make adorable chirping noises when eating Sharpies, little 6x4 cards are not a good pet to keep in a music shop...

Stop in, cast a vote for The Lab, and check out all the sweet deals on clearance items.

Thanks for reading!

The Ministry of Weekly Specials 

Happy New Year from The Laboratory

Thank you again, to all our customers for making our store thrive in 2008. We're eagerly looking forward to a tremendous 2009, even though this last year will be a tough act to follow.

In 2008, The Laboratory:

(pause for effect)

• More than doubled in size
  
• Fleshed out our space with hundreds of new SKUs (that's industry talk for doodads)
  
• Sent out emails with lists of things
  
• Got fresh new haircuts
  
• Stood motionless as the universe twirled around us in orchestrated trajectories
  
• Made friends with a squirrel
  
• Disbanded and reformed the famed Ministry of Weekly Specials untold times
  
• Speelled words incorrectly
  

Most importantly, though, we convinced you that we had something good to offer. Thank you for your patronage - it is truly an honor to serve our customers. We'll be seeing you!

Please drive, pilot, row, or parambulate safely!