None more black

Have the Music Technologists at The Laboratory discovered the answer to Spinal Tap's age old question: How much blacker could this be?

Perhaps.

Take, for example, the Blackheart Little Giant amp which recently appeared on our showroom floor. This is a small black box, equipped with Class A, all-tube circuitry for allowing maximum frequency response and coolness. It is an elegant thing of simple design and straightforward focus. The result is a lush, warm tone, with plenty of punch and clarity. No circuit beyond the essential requirements of rich tube amplification is present to trip up your guitar mojo as it erupts from the Blackheart's 12" Eminence Blackheart speaker.

And what better tool for driving the Blackheart Little Giant than the Schecter Blackjack ATX C1? With its black chrome hardware, ebony fingerboard, and black binding, this is a striking guitar. Tonally it is just enormous, with the included active Seymour Duncan Black Out pickups. Black black black. And the body? Gloss aged white. You gotta have a little contrast, you know.

If you just read all of that and said "what the heck are you talking about??" then this may be a sign you are a drummer. Good news! Perched upon our floor in the drum room (yes we have a room now!) is a five piece monstrosity in the form of a Yamaha Absolute Birch Nouveau kit. Birch produces a dark, rich tone, and packs plenty of volume and presence. Yamaha's Absolute Birch shells are resonant and dynamic, projecting body and presence at any volume threshold. Innovative nouveau lugs facilitate fast head changes, and present minimal contact to the shell, so the percussive energy can get the shells moving as much as possible. The exquisite lacquer finish is Black sparkle.

The blackness of it all is somewhat unsettling to the faint of heart, some of whom have demanded that we reconsider packing a music shop with so much dark energy. No doubt the universe is in no danger of collapsing in on itself as a result. But if so, then that is the price we pay for our art. Either way, playing music is a fine pastime until the cosmological constant has been established in light of all this.

Rock on, in blackness and rich tonality.

www.laboratorymusic.com

Laboratory Staff Enacts Catch and Release Policy

Last Saturday, I completed a particularly heavy round of getting mail order packages into the hands of their respective carriers. Upon my return, I was informed that The Laboratory had been besieged by a cunning and evasive squirrel. My colleagues had done their best to corral the critter out the same door it had entered, but nobody was certain if it had or had not surreptitiously made its exit.

It wasn't long before our ears let us know that we were in fact still heavy one rodent. Since we had about 1/2 hour until closing time, I became concerned that a polite "last call" inquiry might fail to entice the frightened forager to make its exit. So I made a call to our friend George at Statewide Exterminating, and explained that we were concerned about locking a squirrel in overnight. He graciously volunteered the use of a non-lethal trap, which we could use to bag the intruder for release into the field behind our shop, where many of the squirrel kind are known to frolic daily.

Right about the time I finished my call to George, my colleague Aaron had scared the squirrel out of its hiding spot amidst some PA speakers. We now had the wily critter cornered in a sort of corral made of boxes of Yamaha drum hardware.

Aaron and I plotted to try to wrangle the squirrel out the front door, which we had propped open to entice our guest's egress. I was able to prod the creature from it's hiding spot with a cymbal boom arm, which the poor rodent fiercely attacked in vain, letting out some rather whimpering battle cries. At last it sprang from amidst the boxes, and headed toward the front door, Aaron and I cacophonously giving chase. But the path a squirrel will follow when two grown men are stomping and shouting is one fraught with unpredictability. Alas, the path out the door was the only vector the shrewd mammal ignored. Among its preferred trajectories was a zig-zag pattern ending with a bombastic bass drum accent. Who knew that a squirrel noggin would be such a warm and articulate alternative to the traditional bass drum beater? More unexpected learning for the ravenous audio researchers at The Laboratory. And amazingly, it gave us both the slip. I am convinced that squirrels possess the secret of teleportation, but not the secret of looking both ways before crossing the street. Aaron speculated that perhaps we didn't see the animal scurrying out the door, but I was dubious that anything could be that easy.

So it was that Aaron and I could no longer stave off the admission of defeat, and I proceeded to visit with our exterminator friend, to acquire the squirrel trap and receive some tutoring in its operation. Tutoring in the trap, that is. I already knew that the operation of the squirrel was beyond my comprehension. George was good enough to supply some peanuts, and had applied a wad of peanut butter to the trigger of the trap. How could our startled friend resist such an aromatic temptation?

Back at The Laboratory, Aaron was just finishing the end of day tasks, and we left the baited trap with a pile of peanuts inside of it for our overnight shopper to explore (i.e. become ensnared in), and made our way home.

Sunday I entered the store expecting to find an angry creature in the trap, but I was amazed to discover it empty. Aaron must have been right! George the exterminator stopped in to collect his trap, and when I explained that it was empty, he suggested that I should keep it another day, just in case.

All day Sunday we operated as normal, and by all appearances were completely squirrel-free. I resolved to return the trap to George the next day, and again we closed up shop. I wasn't entirely certain about the critter's whereabouts, though, so I left the trap baited and armed.

Monday morning and still no capture. There was much busy activity as a result of the day's business, and all thoughts of an on board squirrel were diminished to the awareness of a trap in need of returning. That's when the little rascal appeared again! However unlikely, the furry freak had resisted the peanut butter and the open door, and only chose to emerge as I was nearly ready to return the trap. There was some more wrangling, and the squirrel was last seen darting behind some PA speakers. Mark placed the trap in the darkened recess behind those loudspeakers, and all was quiet for a few minutes.

CLUNK!

That was the sound we had been waiting for. To our great joy and relief, the squirrel had at last succumbed to the overwhelming combination of a days-empty stomach, and the etherial scent of peanuts and peanut butter.

I picked up the squirrel filled cage and, trailing peanuts as they slipped between the wire mesh, made my way out the back door. I set the cage gently down near the tree line, careful not to pinch the little fella's delicate toes. Once the cage was at rest on the ground, I opened the trap door, and the squirrel burst from the enclosure and made light speed scampering into the thicket. It was a joyous moment, since I had a keen interest in barring the animal from our shop with no injury to rodent or to man.

www.laboratorymusic.com

The Laboratory Journal 2

More Lessons = More Rock
We are starting to sign up students for bass, drums, voice, and of course guitar. Keyboards are coming soon. We've extended our crazy free lesson promo through march: Sign up for your first month of music lessons, and The Laboratory pays for the first lesson. Our newly renovated lesson rooms are clean, well-lit, and cheerily painted.

Illusionary Doors
The front door that has traditionally led into and out of our store is slated to be decommissioned. In the near future, you will enter through the door leading into our newly added additional showroom. You will ogle at the dense armada of drum sets, then make your way into our original confines to be treated to the usual vast assortment of guitars, basses, keyboards, as well as recording and live sound equipment. We have already begun arranging things over in the new space, so feel free to stop by to see the progress. It's somewhat exciting!


Lotsa Drums
Our expanded showroom, to which I've alluded several times above, is very nearly complete, and has lots of drum kits set up for your enjoyment. You thought the Yamaha Absolute Maple kit was nice stacked up on a shelf? That was nothing. We've literally put them on a pedestal for all to see. Nearby, the Mapex M Birch five piece (with a free 8'!) is set up and tuned for action. Alongside those, the throaty roar of Sonor's Force 2007 awaits.

Crouching Teacher, Hidden Guitar Medic
Joe the Guitar Medic has been transplanted from his familiar perch at the back of the store. At present, he is holed up in what will be a lesson room. The endgame is to have him set up in a prominent area on the floor, for all to gaze upon his wizardry. Customers who are accustomed to walking to the back to see if The Guitar Medic is in will now be greeted by our ergonomic and well stocked shipping desk. Much less exciting to witness, but our shipping guys all think it's tops.

New Products:
New in the Amps department is a frightening display of compact and portable tone that kicks monstrous amounts of butt: The Orange Tiny Terror. This thing is the size of a small toolbox, and is a class A, all tube guitar amplifier with prodigious tone! It is switchable from 7 to 15 watts, and don't let that fool you into thinking that this thing can't drive a 4x12 cabinet. It's sound is just astonishing. You should come by and crank it up. And the price? Very affordable.

Also, after many requests, we've begun stocking Vocal Spray. Originally I though this was a defense product used to ward off approaching singers, but alas it is in fact a substance made to make their jobs even easier. Can you believe that? You can hardly be bothered to carry your own microphone to the gig, and somebody invents a tasty and refreshing spray pump to sooth your voice? Amazing. You singers know we're kidding, right? We still love you.

Lastly but not leastestly, stop by our web site, which continues to swell with options. You can find us at www.laboratorymusic.com

Doctor Claw approves of this message for cats and mankind alike.