Thursday, November 5, 2009

Guaranteed Maximum Hatchling

Days ago the Ministry of Weekly specials convened in the Strategy Lounge for a particularly long and heated conference. Many who were on hand will speak only in hushed tones of the events that transpired within, but it sounds as if the conglomerate reached a breakthrough, because at one point the Chief Executive Undersecretary To The Chairman Of Boxing And Unboxing Quality Products burst out of the doorway, and shouted up the stairs "Am I making myself clear??" The fact that we have no stairs was a fairly perplexing aspect of that particular episode, but clearly something significant was astir.

By the next morning, I had a memo on my desk written in crayon which simply read "Get the word out about GMD."

And what is GMD? Good question. I asked the same thing. In fact, I went directly to the Chairman Of Boxing And Unboxing Quality Products, who asked me to balance an apple on my head while he practiced his archery. "GMD, my boy," he began, his palsied hands lining up a shot at the apple atop my head, "is how we're going to get all the independent musicians to pay lower prices for all their stuff."

Thhhunk! Two feet wide, and level with my temples.

"I want you to write this down. Here - use my pen."

"That's an arrow, sir."

"I'm asking the questions here. Now - get this. Guaranteed Maximum Discount! We're going to be the best priced music store for miles around, and we're not going to stop until we've convinced everybody that buying from independent local shops is not only good for their local economy, it's also good for their wallet! Do you know how we're gonna do that?"

"Volume, sir?"

"I'll pitch my voice as I please! I said do you know how we're gonna do that??"

"Um, by slashing prices?"

Thhhunk! Center man, four feet too high. He was starting to tip over backwards from the archery Scotches. "Exactly! By slushing ices. Now get out of here. Go write something up on that computer, or whatever it is you do around here. And send the butler in with some aspirin."

I didn't have the heart to tell him that he fired the butler for not being Tim Curry.


Ryan said...

f'in sweet steve------R

John said...

This is one of the best ideas I've heard in my life! And, who needs a butler if he's not Tim Curry? Isn't that what haveing a butler is all about anyway?!