Thursday, November 5, 2009

Guaranteed Maximum Hatchling

Days ago the Ministry of Weekly specials convened in the Strategy Lounge for a particularly long and heated conference. Many who were on hand will speak only in hushed tones of the events that transpired within, but it sounds as if the conglomerate reached a breakthrough, because at one point the Chief Executive Undersecretary To The Chairman Of Boxing And Unboxing Quality Products burst out of the doorway, and shouted up the stairs "Am I making myself clear??" The fact that we have no stairs was a fairly perplexing aspect of that particular episode, but clearly something significant was astir.

By the next morning, I had a memo on my desk written in crayon which simply read "Get the word out about GMD."

And what is GMD? Good question. I asked the same thing. In fact, I went directly to the Chairman Of Boxing And Unboxing Quality Products, who asked me to balance an apple on my head while he practiced his archery. "GMD, my boy," he began, his palsied hands lining up a shot at the apple atop my head, "is how we're going to get all the independent musicians to pay lower prices for all their stuff."

Thhhunk! Two feet wide, and level with my temples.

"I want you to write this down. Here - use my pen."

"That's an arrow, sir."

"I'm asking the questions here. Now - get this. Guaranteed Maximum Discount! We're going to be the best priced music store for miles around, and we're not going to stop until we've convinced everybody that buying from independent local shops is not only good for their local economy, it's also good for their wallet! Do you know how we're gonna do that?"

"Volume, sir?"

"I'll pitch my voice as I please! I said do you know how we're gonna do that??"

"Um, by slashing prices?"

Thhhunk! Center man, four feet too high. He was starting to tip over backwards from the archery Scotches. "Exactly! By slushing ices. Now get out of here. Go write something up on that computer, or whatever it is you do around here. And send the butler in with some aspirin."

I didn't have the heart to tell him that he fired the butler for not being Tim Curry.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

The Guitar Invasion is On!

Now is a great time to be a guitar or bass player at The Laboratory. We're loaded up with an awesome selection of guitars and amps from Fender, as well as Schecter, Marshall, Orange, Vox, Peavey, Ampeg, Gallien-Krueger, ESP, Yamaha, Breedlove, Alvarez, Blackheart, Crate, and more!

In order to make things easy for you, we've made sure our door has hinges, allowing it to swing wide open, wide enough for a person to enter through. And wide enough for that person to in turn exit through as well, perchance laden with some new treasure. Inside, you'll find a sumptuous ceiling, which is attached to a rain repelling roof. All of our ladders are stored safely in the mop room, so there will be no walking under them or tripping over them. Cougars, which can leave a nasty scratch, are rare at best. Tunnel congestion has been virtually eliminated, mostly due to our not being located particularly near any tunnels. And the guy who rollerblades around the parking lot holding an angry beehive finally went away. He's probably out on a date.
As if those weren't enough reasons to regard with glee the prospect of entering The Laboratory, there's much, much more.

Just as we were preparing this newsletter, we got confirmation that acoustic-guitar superhero and singer/songwriter Monte Montgomery will be in clinic at The Laboratory. The clinic date is Saturday, June 27th, and is sponsored by Alvarez guitars. Monte will be performing and answering questions. We'll be giving away lots of free stuff courtesy of Alvarez guitars! We've bulked up our selection of Alvarez-Yairi handmade acoustics for the event since Monte plays Alvarez-Yairi exclusively. Stay tuned for details on the exact time of the event.
Schecter V-1 LimitedThis one time, a guy came in the store and said "You guys sure get some cool limited edition Schecters in here!" At which point we looked up from the noisy machinery and said "What? You want more fancy limited edition Schecters? OK cool we'll get another." And with that came the V-1 Limited! It's a V shaped body, with customized speed knobs and pickup covers. The pickups are the EMG 81/85 set, which goes "byrrrr nyrrr chunka chunka nyrrr nyrrrr!!" This is a very striking guitar, and there were only 100 made. We're really glad to have one to offer you.

Marshall Haze Amps
Marshall has entered the arena of low power tube amplifiers with heavyweight tone. At The Laboratory you can check out the Haze series. We have a 15 Watt head in, and a 40 Watt combo. We also have both anangled 1x12 cabinet and a straight 1x12 cabinet. Haze amps have the all valve sparkle and crunch you would expect from a Marshall amp, plus the gut slamming overdrive to power any set of rock riffs. Throw in integrated digital effects with intuitive controls and the ability to remember different settings for each channel, and you get a well oiled machine for making big fat guitar sounds. Come on in for a test drive!

Beatles Straps
Everybody knows that the real secret to the Beatles' success was their fine guitar straps. Especially Ringo. While he is not known to be much of a guitar player, his strap collection was the envy of the continent, and the oneupmanship which ensued between Ringo, Paul, John, George, and Bob, is the ultimate reason for the band's breakup. Reflecting on that sad account has moved us to stock up on the new Planet Waves line of Beatles straps.

Something in the way these straps move will help you carry that weight - across the universe if needed. Even if it's only for a day in the life. You can simply put your new Beatles strap on your guitar, then let it be. I'd better get to the end... I've been writing since yesterday. With a little help from my friends, most of this will be edited out anyway. Help!

Fresh Ampeg ShipmentWe have just emptied a truck of its Ampeggy contents, so that we could put them out on the sales floor for our fine customers of the four and five string persuasion. We're loaded up with heads, cabinets, and combos, all of which are sure to get the low end rumbling for you. Of course, there's plenty of Peavey and Fender bass amplification on hand, as well. You like stamps? Go to the post office. We're talking about amps.

Rockademy Live III - Revenge of the Fifth!
Rockademy Live's summer session begins June 6th. What exactly we mean by Revenge of the Fifth is anybody's guess. In the diatonic harmony system the fifth is a pretty rocking interval, so maybe it has something to do with that. Anyway, register in advance to avoid long lines and swirling eels, some of which may be exaggerated.

Rockademy Live is the live ensemble aspect of our music school, which presents kids aged 8 to 18 with an opportunity to experience the full spectrum of participating in music. This encompasses band practice, setting up for performance, and a live show at an actual rock club, as well as on stage at community events. Call us or email for details!

Super Saver Summer Lessons
Beginning in July, and through August, if you sign up for four lessons at The Laboratory, you'll get two free lessons (new students only). This offer applies to any of our regular in store private lessons on instruments and voice. School ceases for summer soon, so spend some satisfying seconds studying sonorous skills! It's like getting six for the price of four! We call it the Rocker's Half Dozen, or The Rockers' Semidodecacognoscon.

Guitar, Bass, & Theory Master Classes
The Laboratory is pleased to announce that we are now offering guitar & bass master classes with Dion Paci. Dion is a Berklee College of Music alum who is proficient in many styles on guitar and bass, including blues, rock, soul, and jazz. He's worked with many notable artists, like John Medeski, Bily Martin, Skerik (Les Claypool band), Bernie Worrell (Parliament-Funkadelic, Talking Heads), Dave Dreiwitz (Ween), and many others. Dion is also the teacher of one of our most popular instructors, Joe Lauricella.

Dion can take your playing to the next level, sharpen your music theory and reading skills, or prepare you for admissions auditions at the nation's premier music colleges regardless of the instrument you play.

Weekly half-hour or hour long sessions are available with Dion starting immediately. Call or stop in to make an appointment.

Rock: It's the only way to be ward off the unrocking!
The Ministry of Weekly Specials

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Doorbuster Specials This Memorial Day Weekend

This weekend we have drummed up some incredible deals to celebrate and remember the courageous men and women of our Armed forces who gave their lives in defense of liberty. All of the following specials are good Friday, May 22nd, through Sunday, May 24th. The Laboratory will be closed on Monday, May 25th.

What specials, you ask? Well... read on! And don't miss the coupon at the bottom of this message.

Keep Reading
This part doesn't really say much of anything.

Memorial Day Weekend Deals
For Drummers:
Re-Head your entire drum kit with Evans heads for $75!
This offer includes G1 clear heads for toms, G1 coated head for snare, and clear EQ4 head for bass drum. (Standard kit: G1 clear 12, 13, 16, G1 coated 14, EQ4 clear 22 -or- Fusion kit: G1 clear 10, 12, 14, G1 coated 14, EQ4 clear 20)

For Guitarists and Bassists:
Remember that part in the movie where the bad guy lures the hero into a warehouse or something and then the good guy yells, "It's a setup!"? Well we do that here. Only, instead of hoodwinking the good guy, we adjust the action and intonation of your guitar to get it in top playing condition. And when I say "we," I of course mean The Guitar Medic. For this weekend, you can book your guitar or bass setup for the special low place of $25 with your purchase of either 6 packs of guitar strings or 3 packs of bass strings. You'll leave the guitar for The Guitar Medic to work on, and when you pick it up, it will play better than ever! If you haven't had your instrument set up before, you don't know what your're missing.

For New and Existing Students at The Laboratory:
We at the Ministry of Weekly Specials are particularly keen to reward those players who study their craft with our crack team of teachers. As you may well be aware, we have guitar lessons seven days a week. That's because, at The Laboratory, there are seven days in each week. How do we pack 'em in, you ask? By giving each one a unique name. For example, today's name is Jim.

Moving right along, we are offering a guitar special this weekend that we've never done before. It's the step-up guitar deal! Buy any guitar or bass for $250 or more (new or used), and we'll throw in an $80 lesson credit. If you've been eying up the next guitar for your collection, to reward all those hours of practice, this is a way to get more for your money. And here's the weird part: This deal is not limited to guitar and bass students. Even drummers can play along! So take your instrument a step up! And don't forget- you can trade in your old guitar, too!

For Everyone:
Throughout the weekend we will be featuring doorbuster specials on select items, while supplies last. Here are some examples:

Meinl MCS Cymbal Pack: $199.99
Tama Imperialstar Drum Set w/ Cymbals: $679.99
Mapex Q Series Drum Set: $399.99
Peavey Raptor Electric Guitar Stage Pack: $174.99
Audio-Technica ATW-252 Handheld Wireless Mic: $79.99
Crate Flexwave 120 Watt Guitar Amp: $299.99
Roland Micro Cube Guitar Amp: $99.99
Used Fender Passport Portable PA Systems: $199.99
Korg MicroKorg XL Synthesizer: $449.99
Peavey Backstage Guitar Amp: $49.99
Tascam US-122L Computer Recording Interface: $119.99
BC Rich Dark Arts Warlock Electric Guitar: $399.99
and more, while supplies last!

Rockademy Live Rides Again
The talented and energetic performers of Rockademy Live are hitting the clubs again. The group will be taking the stage for two nights, at the newly rennovated Cherrywood Lounge in Blackwood, NJ on Saturday May 30 and Sunday May 31. Showtime is 4 pm both days. Please come out and support local music's up-and-coming rockers! If you thought the Rockademy was live before, now it's even liver!

Guitar, Bass, & Theory Master Classes
The Laboratory is pleased to announce that we are now offering guitar & bass master classes with Dion Paci. Dion is a Berklee College of Music alum who is proficient in many styles on guitar and bass, including blues, rock, soul, and jazz. He's worked with many notable artists, like John Medeski, Bily Martin, Skerik (Les Claypool band), Bernie Worrell (Parliament-Funkadelic, Talking Heads), Dave Dreiwitz (Ween), and many others. Dion is also the teacher of one of our most popular instructors, Joe Lauricella.

Dion can take your playing to the next level, sharpen your music theory and reading skills, or prepare you for admissions auditions at the nation's premier music colleges regardless of the instrument you play.

Weekly half-hour or hour long sessions are available with Dion starting immediately. Call or stop in to make an appointment.

You wanted the Best of South Jersey, you got the Best of South Jersey!!
Thanks to all of you who gave us the nod for the Courier-Post's Best Of South Jersey. We are proud to announce that we won the category of Best Musical Instrument Store. You all have our heartfelt thanks. We couldn't do it without you.

Rock: It's way better than not rocking!
The Ministry of Weekly Specials

Thursday, April 9, 2009

New Stuff You Can't Get Anywhere Near Here!

This week, The Laboratory is verily pleased to announce we are now a dealer for Meinl Cymbals.

Meinl Cymbals are Here!

The landroving hypersquid hates Meinl cymbals. Now, the hypersquid is a wily beast, capable of staggering stretches of stealthy hibernation. While no hypersquid sightings have been documented in Deptford over the last few decades, this is no reason to abandon vigilance. Hypersquid migrations leave all in their path festooned with slimy saline secretions. And we at the Laboratory have a keen interest in choosing the manner in which we are festooned, so as to maintain an environment which is conducive to a rewarding experience for you, our dear customer. This means no slimy saline secretions, thank you very much Mr. or Mrs. Hypersquid.
Now, the exact reason for the hypersquid's aversion to Meinl cymbals has eluded the best minds in science for generations. As far back as Bacon* it was commented upon with amazement. Perhaps it is the Byzance series's shimmering warmth and unique colors, or maybe the MB10's enhanced cutting edge from their unmatched 90% copper/10% tin composition. Some have postulated that the wide model range and professional sounds of the Classics line, combined with their easily affordable pricing, represent a level of quality cymbal proliferation which the hypersquid finds unacceptable. Frankly, we'll leave the explanations to the denizens of academia. We are mostly concerned with what works, which is why we have stocked up robustly with Meinl cymbals.

When you next enter our store in beautiful Deptford, New Jersey, you will be greeted with a visage the likes of which are without parallel for miles and miles around. A towering wall of bronze cymbals, crafted with precision and passion by the sharp minded artists at Meinl in Germany, awaits your wonderment. Our newly transformed drum room is now aglow with shimmering metal percussion. And let's face facts: the real color of a modern drumkit has a great deal to do with the cymbal setup. Up until today, you would have to travel to Trenton or Reading, PA to hear Meinl cymbals. Once again, we're saving South Jersey and Philly musicians gas money. Come in and find out what Lamb of God's Chris Adler, Shadows Fall's Jason Bittner, and clinician/general chops-maestro Thomas Lang already know. Meinl cymbals represent excellent craftsmanship, embracing both a modern player's vision of sound possibilities, and a traditionalist's desire for warm, classic sounds.

* The breakfast food.

You wanted the Best of South Jersey, you got the Best of South Jersey!!

Thanks to all of you who gave us the nod for the Courier-Post's Best Of South Jeresy. We are proud to announce that we won the category of Best Musical Instrument Store. Watch for the Courier-Post's announcement Sunday May 3rd. You all have our heartfelt thanks. We couldn't do it without you.

The Laboratory Staff In The News

Tune in Tuesday, April 28th, after American Idol, to see Laboratory Guitar Instructor Dan Lerro perform with his band "V" on Fox Philadelphia. They will be featured live as part of Fox Philadelphia's Spotlight Artist series. Set your electronic television watching apparatus.


The Ministry of Weekly Specials

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Laboratory Music, LLC, Merges with Plankton Pete's Fish & Chips

Many of our customers have approached us to say, "I really love the great selection of top name instruments and accessories, but what if I want to sit down with a styrofoam plate of breaded frozen fish and fried potatoes?" That's a direct quite from no fewer than one of our customers. Additionally, our staff have been asking about the possibility of wearing paper hats while working. And we've heard you!

As you know, The Laboratory has been providing South Jersey and the metro Philly area with the best selection of quality musical instruments, recording equipment, PA systems, repairs, and music instruction. And Plankton Pete's Fish And Chips has been offering the residents of Nebraska the freshest in freeze dried processed fish food substances and reconstituted fried potato byproducts. Together we're pleased to announce that we've merged to form The Fish and Chips Music Laboratory. Now, not only can you save on great brands like Schecter, Marshall, Yamaha, Zildjian, and Spector, you can also feast on great flavors like tilapia, cod, and mackerel. Getting a bit peckish trying out Visual Sound's latest boutique guitar effects? Sit down to a plate of fried flounder flippers! Looking for something to do while you await your piping hot shark fries? Ask your hostess for a pager, and browse our inventory of drums while your reprocessed food is boiling in vegetable oil.

Stop in and mention this email for a free sampler of our catch of the day: The Blackheart Killer Ant 1w tube half stack. It'll hook you with it's fluid tone, and the low price is no bait and switch!

New Boss Pedals In Stock

We've just received a large quantity of Boss effects pedals. Included are all the most popular stompboxes, plus the newest multi-effects floor processors: the GT-10 and ME-70. Get 'em while they're hot!

ROCK! The Ministry of Weekly Specials

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Beware the Amps Of March

Springtime is here! And, as you know, springtime is full of sunshine and lollipops. And by sunshine and lollipops, I mean music instruments and accessories.

Lotsa New Amps
A is for guitar amps. We have so many that the Cabal Of Insertion Of Made Up Terms is hard at work on creating a new word to encompass the very concept of just how many cool tones our customers are going to be able to dial in with all this amplification horsepower. (My suggestion was f'tmch, but that one's already taken.) We have plenty of exciting Vox models in, from the humble yet versatile little DA5 to the mighty AC30. We also have the re-imagined Marshall MG series. Marshall has closed more of the ground between solid state and tube tone with these latest MGs, which feature newly improved cabinets in addition to the enhanced electronics. And from Roland, we have the MicroCube, which is another awesome portable guitar amp with amp modeling and effects. And - get this - the micro cube has an electronic tuning fork, which goes "Binnnnng!" Say that last part out loud; you'll enjoy it more. Now if I had invented the electronic tuning fork, I would have called it the Electrofork, or the Ener-Zap-O-Matic, or simply the "Machine that goes Binnnnng." But, as the patent office is constantly reminding me in court, I am not an inventor.

And just what, you may well ask, are you supposed to plug into these many amps? Well, I for one would suggest perhaps one of the
New Schecter Guitars
Many of our customers lately have commented on a conspicuous bare area on the guitar wall. We would usually respond alternately that we were awaiting a new guitar shipment, or that we had to jettison some ballast before jumping to warp speed in hot pursuit of excellent value. One staffer even opined that the guitars had started brawling over which customer to go home with, and needed to be separated. Well, now is the moment of full disclosure. We had to make some room for a bunch of Schecter guitars. In the music industry, bunch is the term for designating lots or many. So now is a serendipitous time to stop in and sample some savings on scorching Schecter six strings supplemented by sonorous speakers. Slurpee saddle stonehenge scallions.

Tuner Melt
We at The Laboratory have for long been fans of tuners. Both audibly going "Binnnnng!" and silently measuring string tension, we have no preference. We just stock options and let You The People decide. Well, we're probably on to something, since demand has steadily risen for many models of electronic tuners. So, upon your next tuner quest, we invite you to check out our newly renovated Tuner Display. Wayne was hard at work all day yesterday putting the thing together and appointing it with the many varieties of tuner offerings. As Wayne likes to say, "much in the way that Tuna is the Chicken of the Sea, Tuners are the Pickin' of the C, D, E, F, G, A, and B, sharps and flats notwithstanding." Kinda has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? Or more like a nice "Binnnnng!"

So in closing, come check out the Schecter guitars for great justice, make sure you tune up, and Beware the Amps of March. Et tu, guitarists. Et tu.
Et Tut.
E.T. phone Tut.
The Ministry of Weekly Specials 

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Tax Holiday- Get More Gear for Your Money

Happy St. Patricks Day! With all of the talk of tax hikes going on, we thought it would be a good time to stick it to the man and offer a tax break instead.

The Laboratory Declares Tax Holiday
For a limited time, you can shop tax-free at The Laboratory. Come to the shop between Wednesday, March 18th and Tuesday, March 24th and for whatever you purchase, The Ministry of Weekly Specials themselves will pay your sales tax! Whether you're getting ready to cut a big check to the tax man, or to cash a big check from the tax man, you can take some comfort in knowing that your music dollars will stretch a little farther. How do we do this, you ask? Calculators! That's how.

The O'Laboratory
Today is the day people all around the world celebrate St. Patrick. While some aspects of the accuracy of historic accounts are debated, it is known that prior to driving the snakes out of Ireland, St. Patrick contemplated opening a music store. His fear that the store would be invaded by serpents may have been viewed as fanciful by some, but it is exactly this type of low probability/high impact event for which a modicum of vigilance is warranted. In the spirit of St. Patrick, The Laboratory staff, management, shareholders, and de facto animal handling cadre are similarly driving snakes from the land. This week only, save an additional 10% on any audio snake in stock. We have many in stock, with many varieties of connectors. They're snakelicious and connecttastic.

Rockademy Live Back At It
Rockademy Live, still dizzy with the tremendous success of their debut live performances, are back in session and rehearsing for more public showcasing of rock mastery. There are still a few openings, so call The Laboratory to sign up and be part of the excitement. Rockademy Live is the Rock School at The Laboratory. For more information, call The Laboratory, or go to this web site: 
The Laboratory In Space (Cymbalicly)
Now is the time in this email when we turn to the stars. This Friday, the Earth will be situated so that day and night are equal in length. In celebration of the precise halving of hours into light and dark, this weekend we're offering the precision craftsmanship of in stock Paiste cymbals for half off MSRP!

We hereby ensure you, our laudable customers, that your shopping experience at The Laboratory will be as free of attacking reptiles as can be. At this point I need to point out that the faction of staffers chanting for me to include a joke about scales is in no way conducive to the output of quality marketing copy. Anyway... so committed are we to our pledge of snakelessness that we have eliminated snake food from our annual budget entirely. We figure, if there is nothing to entice the snakes, they will probably continue to leave us alone. We call this our No Snacks For Snakes campaign. I'm sure St. Patrick would approve. Please note that customers who shop from the convenience of home via our website may have to take precautions of their own.
The Ministry of Weekly Specials